I posted last summer about the forgiveness practice I engage in every morning, reciting the following lines:
I pardon, I pardon, I pardon
all those who may have hurt or harmed me,
knowingly or unknowingly,
intentionally or unintentionally,
through deed of body, speech, or action.
I seek pardon, I seek pardon, I seek pardon
from all those whom I may have hurt or harmed,
knowingly or unknowingly,
intentionally or unintentionally,
through deed of body, speech, or action.
Sometimes when I say these lines, I “feel” them. I feel forgiving and contrite.
Other times, though, I feel defiant or squirmy or unapologetic. Since the benefit of a practice such as this is to pay attention to what one is feeling, I thought I’d spend some time bringing the light of day to these less savory aspects of my personality.
Whereas asking for forgiveness doesn’t always elicit the nicer parts of my personality, I’ve noticed it seems rather easy to forgive. I don’t know if that is because I am actually generous in my own forgiveness or more blind to my shortcomings in that area.
When it comes to asking for forgiveness, my reactions are pretty much the same as the ones I had when I was a kid:
- It’s not my fault.
- It’s too hard.
- S/he started it.
When I am in a “not my fault” phase, I feel sullen and don’t actually mean the words as I say them. When I am in the “too hard” phase, I feel plaintive and put-upon, as if too much is being asked of me.
I am embarrassed to say how I realized that I engaged in a “s/he started it” mentality, but I shall anyway. I noticed that instead of saying “I seek pardon from all those whom I may have hurt or harmed…”, I sometimes caught myself saying, “I pardon those whom I may have hurt or harmed…”
In my head, it’s as if it were the other person’s fault that I was unkind to them. Essentially, I was blaming the victim. I felt abashed when I realized what I had been saying.
It has been useful for me to look at these thoughts more closely, because they are the same ones that come up in my everyday life when I feel guilty or ashamed of something.
Even though owning up to these negative emotions has been hard, the next part of the exercise is even more difficult, which is to “be” with them. My first inclination is to push these thoughts away. I’d rather think of myself as loving as kind, not as petty and small-minded. Of course, it never does any good to push thoughts like these “away” because there is no “away” in the psyche. It is always with you.
I have found instead that it is best for me to spend time with the aspects of myself that I don’t care for. The only way this is effective is if I don’t hold any expectations or hope to “get rid” of this part of myself. Rather, it is a question of acknowledging that these thoughts and attitudes are a part of me. And then… something happens.
I’m not trying to be mysterious, but it is hard to describe what happens. It’s as if the negative charge that these emotions have is diffused. The emotions become a part of me, but in a different way.
What an awkward explanation I am giving! All I can say is that when I go through this process, which can take quite a long time (weeks, months, or years in some cases), I am no longer ruled by my reactions. It is very freeing.
The irony is that when I do the process of spending time with the negative emotions I cannot have any anticipation of how I will feel when the negativity is resolved. Furthermore, I cannot have any judgment of myself because I have these negative feelings. If I am anticipating the future or judging myself, then I am taking myself out of the present moment, and it is only in the present moment that transformation can occur.
For this process to work, I must be completely in the present moment. I can’t be “waiting” for something to happen. It is very like meditation in the sense that some meditation requires one simply to observe what is happening, not to judge nor to ascribe values to the experience. Simply experience what is happening.
With this practice in addition to the forgiveness practice, perhaps I shall eventually be kinder.